April 30th, 2011

Revisiting Things That Sucked: Dragonball Evolution


So I have this idea for a new series. Basically I’m going to pick something (movie, comic, show, video game, etc) that we all know sucks and I’m going to revisit it with a fresh new pair of eyes. It has to be something I haven’t seen in a while and it has to be something that has been hated universally. The goal is to see if given time this movie has a different reaction to me. So essentially if you like something that’s the subject of one of my revisitings…well there’s something wrong with you and I’m willing to bet you drool while awake.

So what better way to start off this new series then with possibly the worst adaptation ever made, Dragonball Evolution. I’ll admit, when I heard they were making a live action Dragonball movie my two star balls started tingling ready to burst a kamehameha wave in my pants. The chance to see some of those epic fights between Piccolo and Goku bursting on the big screen was enough to take me back to my freshman year of high school when I watched The Dead Zone for the first time. Then I heard that Buffy‘s, James Marsters, was going to be playing my favorite Namek, Chow-Yun Fat was going to be Master Roshi and Stephen Chow of Kung Fu Hustle and Shaolin Soccer was going to produce it. This movie was going to be the most badass adaptation ever.

My eyes were glued to the internet as this movie was developing. First sign that this movie was going to suck was when a white kid, Justin Chatwin, was signed on for Goku. Yes, I’m racist against white people, especially when they play martial arts badasses. Strike two for this movie was the first pictures of Piccolo…and he was white. Even James Marsters came out and said that he had many arguments with the studio and nearly quit the project unless they made the character green. And the hat trick that foretold this movies true shit consistency was the trailer. It just looked bad.

So now for my revisit.

This movie is a blow job that is all teeth. You’re always excited to get one, but it just ended up hurting but you couldn’t stop.

It’s actually even worse then I remembered it. Seeing it on the small screen this time around the horrible wire work and special effects stand out like a white man at a Klan rally. Every scene of the movie feels like it was improvised by high school drama kids. Not a single scene doesn’t sound like it’s drowning in ADR. Everything in this movie feels like it was hastily crammed together in post production to barely make the 80 minute minimum of a feature film. Despite what The MythBusters showed us, you really can’t polish a turd.

In the first minute of the movie they tear down all mythology from the original series deducing the similarities to the original source material in the same way Wanted’s comic to film adaptation holds nothing except character names. I’m even angrier now because it’s like they completely missed the point. Goku is literally the Japanese version of Superman. He has the same origin story and he’s pretty much the most powerful dude on the planet. He has a childlike innocence though that makes him the most gentle badass that ever existed next to Tom Bombadil.

Overall this movie sucked when it came out and it aged like a meth head. It may have been huge in every Asian market, but it flopped like an 18-inch dick here. We can do better, World. We don’t need to take this shit. Stay away from it and if anyone tells you different they really don’t have your best interest at heart.

All content © 2009-2010 by Chronicles of the Nerds



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